The Most "Taboo" Feeling in Motherhood

You are nursing your baby, overwhelmed by a wave of pure, unconditional love. An hour later, that same baby is screaming inconsolably, and you are filled with a simmering resentment, fantasizing about being anywhere else. You feel both things with equal intensity, and the contradiction is terrifying. You think, "How can I love my child so much and also feel this way? What is wrong with me?"

There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing ambivalence, and it is arguably the most normal and least-talked-about feeling in all of parenthood. It is the capacity to hold two opposing feelings at the same time, and it is a core part of the human experience, magnified to the extreme in the postpartum period. This is a central theme in our .

An Introduction to Ambivalence

Ambivalence is not indifference. It is the exact opposite. It is the experience of having strong, positive and strong, negative feelings about the same thing, at the same time. The shame around ambivalence comes from our culture's false belief that motherhood should be a state of pure, uncomplicated bliss.

"I Love My Baby, But...": Common Examples of Ambivalence

Loving Your Child, But Hating the Job of Motherhood

This is the classic example. You can love your child as a person more than you ever thought possible, while simultaneously disliking or even hating the relentless, demanding, and often monotonous job of mothering.

Craving Closeness, and Desperate for Solitude

You can feel an intense desire to be close to your baby, to snuggle them and soak them in. At the same time, you can feel "touched out" and desperate for just five minutes where no one is physically needing you.

Why is Ambivalence So Powerful in the Perinatal Period?

It's a Normal Response to a Life-Altering Event

Becoming a parent is the ultimate "both/and" experience. It is a journey of immense gain and immense loss. You have gained a new love, a new purpose, and a new family. You have also . It is only natural that your feelings about this trade-off would be complex and contradictory.

How to Sit with These Contradictory Feelings

The goal is not to eliminate your "negative" feelings, but to make space for all of your feelings to coexist without judgment.

1. Acknowledge Both Sides of the Coin

Give voice to both feelings. "I love the feeling of my sleeping baby on my chest, and I am feeling so resentful that I can't get up to get a glass of water."

2. Practice the "Both/And" Mindset

Replace the word "but" with "and" in your internal dialogue.

Instead of: "I love my baby, but I'm so exhausted."
Try: "I love my baby, and I'm so exhausted." This small linguistic shift is powerful. "But" creates a conflict between the two feelings, while "and" allows them to both be true at the same time.

3. Find a Safe Space to Be Honest

Find someone you can be completely honest with about your ambivalence. This might be a partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist who understands that these feelings are not a sign of a problem, but a sign of a healthy, honest psyche grappling with a massive change. This can be especially important if you are struggling with a , as ambivalence is a huge part of that experience.

You Are Not a Contradiction; You Are a Whole Person

Your capacity to hold both love and resentment, joy and grief, is not a sign that you are flawed. It is a sign that you are a whole, complex human being. Allowing for this complexity is an act of self-compassion that will make you a more present and authentic parent.

If you are struggling with overwhelming feelings of ambivalence and the guilt that comes with it, schedule a free, confidential consultation with a Phoenix Health care coordinator to find a therapist who can help you navigate these complicated emotions.

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Navigating Ambivalence: A Guide to Holding Both Love and Resentment in Parenthood