Nobody Understands My Grief After Miscarriage: Why Anger, Numbness and Isolation Are Common

Three days after the miscarriage, you're back at your desk. A coworker asks how your weekend was, and you hear yourself say "fine." Then the group chat lights up with someone's scan photo, and you turn your phone face down.

Yes, feeling alone with this grief is common. The thought "nobody understands my grief after miscarriage" usually says more about how invisible this loss is to the people around you than about your grief being too much. Anger, numbness, relief and jealousy are common, too. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

Nobody Understands My Grief After Miscarriage: Why It Happens

Mostly, it happens because other people cannot see what you lost. A 2021 review of research on miscarriage found that family, friends, health providers and society "often fail to understand and validate the meaning and significance of miscarriage loss."

There is a name for this: disenfranchised grief. It means grief that is "not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported." Here, we'll call it grief others do not see. Miscarriage is a common example of it. That silence can also make support hard to ask for, which this piece on why miscarriage grief support is hard to ask for looks at more closely.

A few things keep this loss out of sight:

• Many people have not announced the pregnancy yet, so few people knew there was anything to lose.
• Early losses often have no funeral or ritual. There is no shared moment for people to show up.
• You may be mourning a future more than a person others met. Miscarriage UK (formerly the Miscarriage Association) says you might mourn "your baby's future and your own future as that baby's parent," and that "this can be hard for others to understand and relate to."

Then there are the comments. The same 2021 review names "You can always have another" and "At least you know you can get pregnant" as lines that can leave people feeling they have no permission to grieve. These lines often come from not knowing what else to say. As Miscarriage UK puts it, "sometimes people simply don't know what to say or do."

Is It Normal to Feel Angry After a Miscarriage?

Yes. Anger is a normal part of grief after a miscarriage. Miscarriage UK lists it among common feelings, next to sadness, shock and guilt.

Anger often has a target. These are some of the usual ones:

• A friend's pregnancy or new baby. Miscarriage UK notes that a bad day can come "if a friend tells you she's pregnant or has a baby." Jealousy at an announcement belongs here. A 2012 review of research on grief after losing a pregnancy even has a name for envy of other people's children: "child envy."
• A partner who seems fine. Clinicians who treated women for grief after a loss in pregnancy observed that conflict with a partner can bring up "anger and loneliness."
• Yourself, or your body. The 2021 review found that women may blame themselves for the loss, with "feelings of failure as a woman or as a mother."

None of these targets makes the anger wrong. It is part of the grief. In a Miscarriage UK leaflet, one woman put it this way: "It's okay to have these feelings of grief, anger, resentment, sadness and so much more."

When You Feel Nothing, or Relief

Feeling numb after a miscarriage is common. Miscarriage UK lists "numb" among the normal feelings. The 2012 review describes "feelings of yearning and numbness" as typical reactions to grief after a loss in pregnancy.

Feeling flat does not mean the loss mattered less. Miscarriage UK is clear on this: "there are no rules which say that some experiences of miscarriages are less upsetting than others. We all react in our own way."

Relief can be there too, sometimes right beside sadness. Miscarriage UK names two reasons for it. One is the end of "days or weeks of uncertainty or pain." The other is a pregnancy you didn't want, or weren't sure about. Its leaflet holds both feelings at once: "You might feel very sad, but also relieved that the uncertainty and waiting are over."

Relief can bring guilt with it, especially if you had been thinking about ending the pregnancy. You might feel guilty, in Miscarriage UK's words, "as if the thoughts caused it (they didn't)." Not wanting to be pregnant, or thinking about termination, does not cause a miscarriage.

Early Loss Still Counts, and It Is Almost Never Your Fault

Miscarriage is common. ACOG, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, says it happens in about 10 of every 100 known pregnancies.

How early it happened does not make it less real. Miscarriage UK says that "even a very early miscarriage can lead to strong feelings of loss." If you felt attached as soon as you knew you were pregnant, it adds, you are likely to be very upset.

Many women go looking for something they did wrong. ACOG says about half of early miscarriages happen when the embryo does not develop properly, often because of an abnormal number of chromosomes. Working, exercising, stress, arguments, having sex, or having used birth control pills before the pregnancy do not cause miscarriage. Morning sickness doesn't either. Some women believe a recent fall, blow, fright or stress caused theirs. In ACOG's words, "In most cases, this is not true."

Most people never learn the exact cause, even after tests, Miscarriage UK says. That uncertainty is hard in its own right. What ACOG is clear about is this: "In almost every case, miscarriage is not a woman's fault."

When Your Partner Grieves Differently

Partners often grieve at a different pace or in a different way. Miscarriage UK puts it plainly: "One of you may want to get on with life and the other to take time out." ACOG notes that your feelings of grief may differ from your partner's.

A partner who seems fine may be trying to hold things together for you. Miscarriage UK notes that partners "might try to 'be strong' for you but this can sometimes come across as if they don't care."

Most of the research here is about male partners. A 2017 review of 29 studies found that men often see their role as the "supporter" and can feel overlooked next to a partner whose pain is more visible. On average, men in those studies had less intense and less lasting distress than women. Still, a 2021 study of 192 couples found that some partners had post-traumatic stress, anxiety or depression at levels clinicians take seriously.

Miscarriage UK suggests focusing on "what you feel and what you would like rather than what they are doing wrong." When the gap between you starts to feel like distance, choose a quiet time and tell them one specific thing that would help.

What You Can Say to People Who Do Not Get It

You may have to tell people what helps. Miscarriage UK says it plainly: "you may need to tell them how you feel and how they could help." That can feel unfair when you're the one grieving.

Some comments sting more than others: "it was only a bunch of cells," or the idea that you "should be over it by now." For moments like these, Miscarriage UK suggests a reply: "I can see why you might feel that way, but I'm finding it really hard." It doesn't ask you to explain or defend your grief.

Miscarriage UK's Simply Say page gives friends phrases to use, such as "I know you might not want to talk just yet, but I'm here when you're ready." You can borrow them in reverse, to tell people what you'd like to hear.

A few more lines you could try. These are suggestions, not scripts from research:

• "I'm not okay yet, and I don't need you to fix it."
• "It would help if you asked about it, even if I cry."
• "Please don't tell me it was for the best. Just say you're sorry."

Not everything has to be said out loud. Miscarriage UK suggests ways to mark the loss if you want to: planting flowers or a tree, writing a letter or poem, making a donation to a charity, or holding a small memorial at home. It also suggests lighting a candle on anniversaries. The due date and the anniversary of the miscarriage are often hard days, so it can help to plan for them.

For the people who ask what they should say, here is a page you can send to someone who asks what to say. If you don't know where to start, pick one person and one sentence from this section, and send it to them this week.

Finding People Who Have Been Through It

Many people find that talking with others who have had a miscarriage helps them feel less alone. Two free options in the US:

• Postpartum Support International (PSI) runs a free virtual group called Early Pregnancy Loss Support, for losses at 20 weeks or earlier. It meets every Tuesday at 12 PM or 3 PM ET, and PSI-trained facilitators lead it. PSI's HelpLine, 1-800-944-4773, can also connect you with support and resources.
• Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support offers free, confidential support by phone, email, in person and in online groups. You can call them at 1-800-821-6819. ACOG names Share as a group that supports people who have had a miscarriage.

When It Is More Than Grief

Sometimes grief after a miscarriage turns into something that needs more care, and certain signs tell you when. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) says that to be diagnosed with depression, a person must have symptoms "most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks." Those symptoms include a sad or "empty" mood and losing interest in things you used to enjoy.

Other signs that it's time to reach out:

• Panic attacks
• Flashbacks, or images of the miscarriage that keep coming back
• Not being able to eat, sleep or get through the day
• Pulling away from the people around you
• Using alcohol or other substances to cope

You don't need to wait for things to get that bad. As Miscarriage UK puts it, "You don't need to have reached crisis point to seek additional support."

Your first call can be your ob-gyn or midwife, or your primary care doctor. ACOG suggests talking with your ob-gyn or a counselor if the feelings are hard to handle. Any of them can help you think through what kind of support fits you. If you're weighing medication, that's a conversation for your prescriber or OB.

To find a therapist with perinatal training, Postpartum Support International keeps a provider directory of clinicians who have completed specialized training in perinatal mental health. PSI's HelpLine, 1-800-944-4773, can also point you to support. It returns calls and texts during business hours, and it is not a crisis line.

Some moments can't wait for a returned call. If you feel you can't stay safe, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call 911. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline, 1-833-852-6262, is open 24/7 by call or text, in English and Spanish, according to the Maternal Mental Health Leadership Alliance.

Your ob-gyn is also the person to call about your body. If you have heavy bleeding (ACOG describes it as soaking through more than two maxi pads per hour for more than 2 hours in a row), fever, chills or severe pain, call your ob-gyn or midwife right away. Call 911 or go to the emergency room if you faint, if the bleeding is heavier than that, or if you cannot reach them.

To learn more about how depression and anxiety can show up after a miscarriage, that page goes deeper. And if you'd like to talk with someone who works in perinatal mental health, our page on therapy for miscarriage grief explains how Phoenix Health can help. A consultation is a place to start.

If any of these signs sound like you, make one call this week, to the person you choose.